"The One Where Words Have Feelings"
Disclaimer: The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are completely made up. If you happen to know someone who argues with the dictionary because it "has a tone," that's just an astonishing coincidence.
COLD OPEN
INT. JASON & HARRIETTA'S LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Everyone is gathered around the coffee table after finishing takeout from Bar Burrito. Silver the cat is asleep on Jimmy's lap. Mochi is watching hopefully for dropped food.
Crystal is organizing the game pieces.
Crystal:Jimmy, can you pass me the blue cards?
Jimmy hands her the green cards.
Crystal:…Those are green.
Jimmy:They felt blue.
Everyone pauses.
Jason:They… what?
Jimmy:I don't know. They had blue energy.
Harrietta:They're printed green.
Jimmy:Yeah, but emotionally?
Jason slowly looks at Crystal.
Jason:Has he always done this?
Crystal freezes.
Crystal:…
Crystal:Oh my gosh.
Crystal:Oh my gosh.
Crystal:He has.
Cue theme song.
❧
ACT ONE
INT. JASON & HARRIETTA'S LIVING ROOM – LATER
Everyone sits around the table.
Jason is leaning forward like he's discovered a new species.
Jason:Jimmy.
Jimmy:Yeah?
Jason:What does the word "aggressive" mean?
Jimmy thinks.
Jimmy:Loud.
Jason:No.
Jimmy:Mean.
Jason:Not exactly.
Jimmy:Uncomfortable.
Jason:That's… closer somehow.
Harrietta:That's how it makes you feel.
Jimmy nods.
Jimmy:Exactly.
Silence.
Jason blinks.
Jason:Hold.
He points dramatically.
Jason:I think we just found something.
Crystal slowly stands.
Crystal:Wait.
She starts pacing.
Crystal:WAIT.
She points at Jimmy.
Crystal:Last month I told him the pasta was "firm."
Jimmy nods.
Jimmy:It sounded insulting.
Crystal:IT MEANS IT WASN'T OVERCOOKED.
Jimmy:Yeah but "firm" feels judgmental.
Jason bursts out laughing.
INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Crystal is remembering years of conversations.
Crystal:Jimmy.
Jimmy:Yeah?
Crystal:When I say your idea is "interesting…"
Jimmy sighs dramatically.
Jimmy:I know you hate it.
Crystal's eyes widen.
Crystal:NO!
Jimmy:That's what "interesting" feels like!
Crystal:It means interesting!
Jimmy:Nobody says interesting happily.
Jason snorts.
Jason:…Actually…
Harrietta nods.
Harrietta:He's got a point there.
Crystal throws her hands up.
Crystal:DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM.
INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Jason starts experimenting.
Jason:Okay.
He picks up a spoon.
Jason:This spoon is…
He pauses.
Jason:…adequate.
Jimmy visibly recoils.
Jimmy:Ouch.
Jason:Why?
Jimmy:Poor spoon.
Jason laughs so hard he nearly drops the spoon.
Jason:The spoon has feelings?!
Jimmy:It deserved better than "adequate."
Harrietta:The spoon doesn't care.
Jimmy looks at the spoon.
Jimmy:It might.
ACT TWO
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Crystal begins reviewing years of arguments.
Crystal:Jimmy.
Jimmy:Yeah?
Crystal:Remember when I called the garage "functional?"
Jimmy nods sadly.
Jimmy:I thought you hated my organizing.
Crystal:IT WAS A COMPLIMENT.
Jimmy:Functional sounds lonely.
Jason can't breathe.
Jason:Functional…
Jason:sounds…
Jason:lonely…
He completely loses it.
INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Harrietta joins the investigation.
Harrietta:Jimmy.
Jimmy:Yeah?
Harrietta:Define "efficient."
Jimmy smiles.
Jimmy:Happy.
Everyone stares.
Jimmy:Efficient things make everybody happy.
Harrietta:That's…
She stops.
Harrietta:That's not what it means.
Jimmy:It's what it IS.
Harrietta slowly nods.
Harrietta:Okay.
Harrietta:He's emotionally associative.
Jason points.
Jason:That's the term!
Crystal blinks.
Crystal:Emotionally associative?
Harrietta:He stores words by emotional memory instead of dictionary definition.
Jimmy smiles proudly.
Jimmy:That sounds nice.
Jason laughs.
Jason:He doesn't even know what associative means.
Jimmy:It feels welcoming.
FLASHBACK MONTAGE
Crystal narrates.
CRYSTAL (V.O.):
Suddenly…
Quick cuts of Jimmy at various moments:
Jimmy:Moist is suspicious.
Jimmy:Corporate tastes gray.
Jimmy:Synergy sounds expensive.
Jimmy:Crisp is optimistic.
Jimmy:Damp owes me money.
BACK TO PRESENT
Everyone stares.
ACT THREE
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Jason pulls out a dictionary app.
Jason:We're testing this.
He reads words.
Jason:Transparent.
Jimmy:Honest.
Jason:Correct.
Jason:Bureaucracy.
Jimmy:Waiting in line.
Jason:Close enough.
Jason:Beige.
Jimmy sighs deeply.
Jimmy:Divorce.
Crystal laughs so hard she has tears.
Crystal:WHAT?!
Jimmy:Beige never means good news.
INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Harrietta tries abstract words.
Harrietta:Triangle.
Jimmy:Stable.
Jason:Why?
Jimmy:Feels reliable.
Harrietta:Tuesday.
Jimmy smiles.
Jimmy:Productive.
Jason:Wednesday?
Jimmy frowns.
Jimmy:That's trying too hard.
Jason wipes tears from laughing.
INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Crystal suddenly realizes something enormous.
Crystal:WAIT.
Everyone looks.
Crystal:Jimmy.
Jimmy:Yeah?
Crystal:When I ask…
She imitates herself perfectly.
Crystal:"What is it? What is it?"
Crystal:…why do you always smile?
Jimmy shrugs.
Jimmy:Because you sound excited.
Crystal covers her face.
Crystal:I'M FRUSTRATED!
Jimmy blinks.
Jimmy:Really?
Crystal:YES!
Jimmy:It always sounded cheerful.
Jason falls sideways on the couch.
ACT FOUR
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
The group starts translating Jimmy.
Jason makes a chart.
LEFT SIDE:
Dictionary
RIGHT SIDE:
Jimmy
Examples:
Danger = "Spicy"
Awkward = "Sticky"
Confusing = "Foggy"
Expensive = "Offensive"
Jason:This is incredible.
Jimmy:Incredible feels orange.
Jason:THERE HE GOES AGAIN.
INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Harrietta speaks carefully.
Harrietta:Jimmy.
Jimmy:Yeah?
Harrietta:The dishwasher filter requires maintenance.
Jimmy nods.
Jimmy:Sounds respectful.
Harrietta:What?
Jimmy:Maintenance feels responsible.
Crystal jumps in.
Crystal:Jimmy!
Jimmy:Yeah?
Crystal:The dishwasher filter is disgusting.
Jimmy recoils.
Jimmy:Why are you attacking it?
Crystal slowly sits down.
Crystal:I…
Crystal:I can't win.
INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Jason experiments.
Jason:Jimmy.
Jimmy:Yeah?
Jason:I appreciate your perspective.
Jimmy beams.
Jason:Even though I completely disagree.
Jimmy keeps smiling.
Jason:You're… still happy?
Jimmy:You started nice.
Jason stares.
Jason:He weights the emotional opening more than the ending.
Harrietta nods.
Harrietta:Fascinating.
ACT FIVE
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Crystal has one final question.
Crystal:Jimmy.
He smiles.
Jimmy:Yeah, Chrissy?
Crystal:When I tell you…
She points dramatically.
Crystal:"We need to talk."
Jimmy visibly shrinks.
Jimmy:That's the scariest sentence in English.
Crystal:Why?
Jimmy:Because nobody ever follows it with tacos.
Jason immediately nods.
Jason:That's actually universal.
Harrietta agrees.
Harrietta:Fair.
INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Crystal decides to try something.
Crystal:Jimmy.
Jimmy:Yeah?
Crystal:We need to celebrate.
Jimmy smiles.
Crystal:About…
She pauses dramatically.
Crystal:…cleaning the garage.
Jimmy gets excited.
Jimmy:That sounds amazing!
Crystal points triumphantly.
Crystal:SEE?!
Jason laughs.
Jason:You hacked him.
TAG
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER THAT EVENING
Everyone is leaving.
Jason shakes Jimmy's hand.
Jason:You're one of my favorite people.
Jimmy smiles warmly.
Jimmy:Thanks.
Jason:You're also objectively wrong about half the English language.
Jimmy shrugs.
Jimmy:That felt affectionate.
Jason laughs.
Jason:…It was.
Jimmy grins.
Jimmy:See?
Jimmy:Words know.
Silver meows from inside Jimmy's carrier.
Jimmy looks down.
Jimmy:Even that meow sounded supportive.
Crystal smiles.
Crystal:It was asking for food.
Jimmy nods thoughtfully.
Jimmy:Support comes in many forms.
Everyone exits laughing as Mochi barks once from the doorway, as if agreeing.
FADE TO BLACK.